Domestic Violence


Note: The following summary was contributed by Anna Marie's Alliance Community Education on August 1, 2006.

Quality Paragraph
  • domestic violence
  • domestic abuse
  • relationship abuse
  • family violence
  • dating violence

These are the words used to describe an epidemic of abusive behaviors in our society. When one person in an intimate relationship uses coercive and threatening behaviors in order to gain or maintain power and control over their partner, it is domestic abuse.

  • Domestic abuse takes many forms: verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual and physical
  • Domestic abuse affects many people. It crosses all boundaries of race, education, age, income, religion.
  • Domestic abuse can happen to anyone.
  • Domestic abuse can decrease through intervention and prevention awareness.
Longer Text
Statistics
  • Women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence. (Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000)
  • In the U.S.A., 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner in 2000. In recent years, an intimate killed about 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims. (U.S. Department of Justice Crime Data Brief on Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003)
  • Each year over 324,000 pregnant women are victims of intimate partner violence in the United States. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2002)
  • In 2002, 20 percent of female crime victims and 3 percent of male crime victims were victimized by intimates. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, August 2003)
You might be in an abusive relationship if you:
  • are frightened or intimidated by your partner
  • are humiliated or degraded by name calling, put-downs or accusations
  • have been threatened by your partner
  • are afraid to disagree with your partner
  • have been forced to have sex
  • have been kicked, hit, shoved or restrained by your partner
  • feel isolated and alone
Does your partner:
  • exhibit extreme jealousy
  • lose his/her temper frequently and easily
  • stop you from seeing your family and friends
  • make you afraid using looks or gestures
  • destroy your property
  • mistreat or make you get rid of your pet
Understanding Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is not just a family problem-it is a crime with serious repercussions for your friend, her children, and the entire community.

Domestic Violence is serious. It involves emotional abuse, isolation, threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking, sexual assault, and assault with weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence and usually escalates in frequency and severity over time.

Domestic Violence knows no boundaries. It happens to people of all ages, races, religions, income, and educational levels.

Understanding the Abuser

Domestic Violence is about power and control. It is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. The abuser's experience as a child, and the messages they have gotten from society in general, tell them that violence is an effective way to achieve power and control over their partner's behavior. Those who batter are accountable for their own actions. Viewing them as "sick" wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for their behavior.

Domestic Violence does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving it. Although alcohol or drug use may intensify an already existing violent behavior, it does not cause battering. Partners who batter typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol/drug use or extreme stress. This is a way the batterer tries to shift responsibility for the abusive choices they have made.

Domestic Violence and those who batter may be difficult to understand. Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They may be charming and loveable in a social situation, yet display extreme violence in the privacy of the home. Seeing only the sociable side of the abuser can make it difficult to believe abusers are capable of such violent behavior.

Understanding the Victim

For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is not an easy one. A battered woman's emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. If she has been financially dependent on her partner and leaves with her children, she will likely face severe economic hardship. She may not know about available resources. Or perhaps social and justice systems have been unresponsive to her in the past. Religious, cultural, or family pressures may make her believe that it is her duty to keep her marriage together at all costs. When she has tried to leave in the past, her partner may have used violence to stop her.

Your friend or relative is probably doing her best to protect her children from the violence. She may feel that the abuse is directed only at her, and does not yet realize its effects on the children. Perhaps she believes that her children need a father no matter what his behavior, or lacks the resources to support them on her own. The children may beg her to stay, not wanting to leave their home or friends. She fears if she leaves she will lose custody of her children.

It can be hard to understand how your friend could still care for someone who is abusing her. Chances are her partner is not always abusive. He may actually show remorse for his violence, promising that he will change. Your friend understandably hopes for such a change. Their relationship probably involves a cycle of good times, bad times, and in-between times. However, the longer the violent relationship continues, the more likely it is that the violence will escalate.

If your friend or relation seems distant and you find yourself wondering if you are still friends, remember that the fewer relationships the woman has, the more easily her abuser can control her. He may be extremely jealous of any relationships she has outside the home. A battered woman may distance herself from friends and family fearing that they will discover the violence and blame her for it.

Remember: Your friend or relation is the victim of battering; she is not to blame nor does she deserve such treatment. Whatever problems exist in a relationship, the use of violence to resolve them is never justified or acceptable.

What Can You Do?
Become Informed

Gather all the information you can about domestic violence. Contact programs and services in your area that assist battered women and their children. These programs will provide advocacy, support, and other needed services.

Be aware that your own feelings about violence may make it difficult for you to confront the situation. Contact your local domestic violence hotline or program to talk to staff about your concerns. Battered women's advocates can be an excellent source of support for both you and your friend.

Listen

Letting your friend or relation know that you care and are willing to listen may be the best help you can offer. Don't force the issue, but allow her to confide in you at her own pace. Keep your mind open and really listen to what she tells you. Never blame her for what's happening or underestimate her fear of potential danger.

Remember that your friend must make her own decisions about her life. Focus on supporting her right to make her own choices.

Focus on Her Strengths

Battered women live with emotional as well as physical abuse. Her abuser probably continually tells your friend that she is a bad woman, bad wife, and a bad mother. Without positive reinforcement from outside the home, she may begin to believe she can't do anything right-that there really is something wrong with her. Give her the emotional support she needs to believe that she is a good person. Help her examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free from violence.

Be a Friend

Tell her you're there for her when she needs you. Provide whatever you can: transportation, childcare, companionship and empathy.

Guide Her to Community Services

When she asks for advice on what she should do, share the information you've gathered with her privately. Let her know she is not alone and that caring people are available to help her. Encourage her to seek the assistance of battered women's advocates at the local domestic violence hotline or program. Assure her that any information she shares with them will be kept strictly confidential. Not all helping professionals are fully aware of the special circumstances of abused women. If the first person she contacts is not helpful, encourage her to find assistance elsewhere.

Confront Her with the Danger

At some point, you may find it difficult to be supportive of your friend or relation if she remains in the violent relationship or returns to her abuser after a temporary separation. Let her know that not everyone lives with abuse. Be willing to confront her with the physical and emotional harm that she and her children will suffer if she stays. Help her face up to the dangerous reality of living with an abusive partner.

Help Her Develop a Safety Plan

Encourage your friend to develop a safety plan. Help her think through the steps she should take if her partner becomes abusive again. Make a list of people she could call in an emergency. Suggest she put together and hide a suitcase of clothing, personal items, money, social security cards, bankbooks, children's birth certificates and school records, and other important documents. In addition, she's encouraged to call a local battered women's shelter for possible assistance with a cell phone.

If She Decides to Leave

The safest place your friend should contact is the local domestic violence hotline or shelter. Shelter workers will help her examine her options. Be very careful when offering and providing safety in your home. The battered woman frequently faces the most physical danger when she attempts to flee. Be very discreet and talk to your local shelter staff about the best way to handle this. If possible, have your friend go to a battered women's shelter where security, safety, and services are available.

When to Intervene

It cannot be over emphasized that domestic violence is a crime that can result in serious physical injury and even death. If you are a neighbor or otherwise know that a battering incident is occurring, call the police immediately. This is the most effective way to protect the woman and her children from immediate harm.

Volunteer Opportunities

Visit the Anna Marie's web site for volunteer job descriptions. Call Anna Marie's Coordinator of Volunteer Services at 320-253-6900.

Volunteer opportunities for youth: Child Mentors, The Imagine Group, Dig In For Children/Legislation, Movers

Volunteer opportunities for women: Child Mentors

Volunteer opportunities for men: Women's Advocate Support, Shelter Support

Resources
National
State
Local

Anna Marie's Alliance/Central Minnesota Task Force on Battered Women 24-hour crisis line: 320-253-6900.

Services are free and confidential.

Do not have to stay at Anna Marie's Shleter ot receive services.

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